Ocean view.

Dear Disappointment,

You’re heavy. You hang around longer than you should, and selfishly fill the space, becoming all-consuming. You make it difficult to see the light, the forest, the brighter perspective and frankly, I’m over you.

Thanks, (but no thanks) Luella

I’ve been writing this post for a while now. I blame the above mentioned culprit who stole my creative juice with its heady presence. On the other hand, maybe it’s good time has lapsed, and this post has changed its tone 10 times over. No one needs or benefits from reading a vitriolic tangent or a sad pity filled note to self. So here we are.

For the last year and change, I’ve been working at a job I really loved. I haven’t felt that way since my Casch/Groa days back in my 20’s. So it felt good, and I was professionally really happy. Although there was a long commute, which in turn created an extremely hectic life schedule for drop-offs/pickups and being a Mom – I was representing a team/brand I truly believed in. Something I could tack on as an extension of myself, and really dig deep and produce creative that landed. If I work, and am away from my girls, it has to be worth it. This was a good balance for me. FINALLY. Well… recently my desk got moved to NYC, and took a little bit of my confidence with it. (Insert a variety of applicable emoticons here)

Sooo…. I’ve been interviewing and researching what is out there, all the while battling the rejection blues. I know it wasn’t personal. It was logistics, but I still blame myself based on the mantra I will teach my girls when they’re old enough to understand. ‘Be so great at your task, you’re indispensable’. A staunch believer in merit based eventualities, how do you get over it when you couldn’t have prevented it? The older I get, the more I realize you can do everything right, and sometimes that isn’t good enough to steer clear of choppy waters. This experience hurt more than I expected it to. On the other hand, it’s a growth opportunity. The only way through, is… through.

Interviewing is interesting. It’s kind of like online dating. You go through a couple of rounds of interviews only to find out you’ve been bested by a different candidate, and the company just isn’t into you anymore. All of the sudden you’re dealing with another no that wears away at the hanging shred of confidence you were desperately holding on to. What if I keep ending up where I started at good ol’ square one? How do I feel good enough in the areas of my life that truly matter? How do I fight the urge to retract and wallow? Lots of questions, not a lot of answers.

UNLESS…. you have a *Ralph (see definition below) in your corner, whose reassurances early on, eventually turned to a simply put, short speech that got my ball rolling again. You have two choices. You can either set yourself up in a situation where you look out the window and see barbed wire and trash, or you can put yourself in a position to see the ocean. Take action. Be relentless in the pursuit of your goal. Ask for help. (Just say NO to shame spirals.) 😉

So I did. After 7 years of sitting on Luella says, I built it out. I’m entering the freelance race. I am dipping my foot in the proverbial creative pond. It’s an online creative collective filled with my graphic design work and copywriting, it’s also (potentially) the start of a creative firm obsessed with visual storytelling and the social space. It might be nothing, it could be my new gig. Welcome to the world www.luellasays.com. If you know of anyone looking for social guidance, we’re (Laura/Luella) here.

*male species, handsome, good advice giver, tough love disher

 

 

 

 

 

 

136 days.

I start my new job on Monday. Tomorrow, October 6th, after 136 days of getting my feet wet as a Mom of two. This heavy, overwhelming feeling is familiar. I’ve been here before, so most would think, (myself included) I’d have a clue as to how to navigate through it. Alas, I don’t. So I’m here again. Staring at the calendar, marveling at how fast the days flew by, wishing I had more time. I can imagine there are many of us out there doing the same thing, some for different reasons, some for the same.

There is an ongoing dialogue, maybe even a debate, between those of us Moms who stay at home, and those of us who return to work. What is better? What is fair? Is there a line? Should there be?

In a perfect world, I would stay at home and raise my girls, never missing a milestone or a moment in their formative years… but I would also go back to work.  I’ve spent the last 13 years being a professional since graduating college, and I like where I landed. What to do when you want to be in two places at once?

Is it selfish to have kids only to pass them off for a portion of the time? Do I have a greater responsibility to rise in the professional ranks because I am raising girls, and they need an in-home role model that proves there is no limit to what they can accomplish? How do I convince myself they don’t feel abandoned as I walk out the door? It sounds dramatic, but if I am living in full disclosure-ville, I think about it every time I leave the house without them in tow.

Is it important to back off, give the helicopter a rest, and let them formulate their independence regardless of the likely bruises, mistakes, potential bullies, danger zones et al. that lie ahead? Yes. Probably. Who knows. I think the best approach to this topic is to speak singularly. For me, I want to do both. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, some days I would like to trade the tea in for a double tall vodka, ok a lot of days, but at my core, I am doing what I want to be doing.

Parenting is not for everyone. I am a staunch supporter of that. Being a woman doesn’t mean you NEED to be a mother. It’s ridiculously hard, so you need to be all in. Which leads me back to my original dilemma of how one pulls off being the invested employee whilst being the super mom? I don’t buy into the ‘lean in’ movement. I like this author’s take on why it doesn’t work. Again, for me personally, I don’t live to work. I want to be a Mom more than anything, but I still need to flash my skill set and continue my professional trajectory. I think striking the perfect balance between at home and profession is best.

So what should we call this? Straddling the line? What does this balance look like? For me, its choosing what you want to spend your time doing, and whatever it is, wherever you’re at in that moment, do it to the best of your ability. No excuses. Growth and opportunity spring from being uncomfortable, and as I tell my 2-year-old, never say can’t. It is possible to excel at both. I think I can… I think I can…

If you’re a Mom of two or on the precipice of becoming one, here are a couple of tactics that worked for me.

TWO-do list.

• Get a routine going for you as soon as possible. Mine consisted of coffee every morning OUT OF THE HOUSE at Java Man. I walked, ran, (almost always with both girls in tow) or drove to get it so I was out of the house and everyone got a little fresh air and sunshine.
• Pay attention to the toddler as much as possible. They will remember, the baby won’t. I included Stella in everything. She didn’t always want to partake, but I at least gave her the option. Change the baby, watch Mama feed the baby, dress the baby, rock the baby etc.
• Make sure one parent, or person is always paying attention to the toddler. (Do you see a theme happening here?) I learned quickly the toddler was the hard part of this equation, not the baby.
• If breastfeeding, do it standing up sometimes. It’s easy and then you can maneuver around and (feign) you’re involved in whatever activity the toddler is doing.
• Play doh. It works, trust me. We tell her what to make us and she goes to town.
• Stella discovered a really cute YOUTUBE channel called Charli’s Crafty Kitchen. I allowed her iPad time every day during lunch and at 5pm. She watched these vignettes, and now has a much more vested interest in food, what we’re eating and how we made it. Check it out parents, super cute!!
• Get the toddler involved in something new. During my maternity leave we had Stella in a private swim class with her friend Olivia once a week for 5 weeks. After that, we took her to ART ZONE to paint, play and get dirty once a week as well. It was a good distraction and (I think) made her feel like we were still concentrating on just her for a bit. (Please note, I brought the baby to both events. Kept her in the stroller and so again it was fresh air and a change of scenery for Wren as well.)
• Dance parties. Yep – we put on our apple tv and went to town dancing around the living room. Wren either slept or I held her and Stella and I got a chance to get exercise and goof around.
• We napped Wren in her Mamaroo upstairs in the middle of the play zone. We did this with Stella too, but I think it’s even more important with the 2nd because they need to get accustomed to chaos. Unlike your first, the second is always going to be in the middle of Toddler-ville. If they need a museum-esque atmosphere to sleep, you might be in trouble down the road.
• Great blogs to know, follow and read – www.mothermag.com, www.clementinedaily.com, www.smallfryblog.com, www.weelicious.com 

These 136 days will be missed. Unlike the first time when I was so overwhelmed I barely moved off the couch, I truly enjoyed every waking moment of being able to just be a Mom. I owe a huge nod to my husband who made it possible for me to take this much time.

These 136 days were also hard earned. There were tears, fights, failures, highlights, a heart so full it can’t be described, a deeper appreciation, an awakening, a desire for more (dare I say it) and a lot of help. Help that deserves to be called out by me, to live in perpetuity in the annals of this blog, which may or may not be read, but at least exists for someone to find.

This still exists, stationed in our kitchen. I wrote this to myself at the end of June when Ralph went back to work, and my parents left. It was just me and the girls for the first week of July. Overwhelmed doesn’t cover it.

Luella says… Cue the orchestra, this might take a while. And the awards go to…

Katie – you came because you knew I needed you to. Full stop. You’re amazing. I am so lucky you’re my best friend. I love you. xo

Mollie & Heather – you visited, dropped off food (homemade at that) and affirmed why we’re so lucky to call you great friends who live down the street. I love you both, thank you! xo

Ali – you got me out of the house and a lot of times out of my own way. You’re the go-to when it comes to what the benchmark is. Love you, thank you! xo

Tina & Gene – I am not going to say much because after 30+ years of friendship you already know. We’re sisters. You’re always there when I need you. I can’t believe how lucky we are to go through this together. Cheers to forever, I love you. xo

Leslie – You’re the only other person in the world most like me. I am so glad you got to be a part of this one. You handled Stella and everything as well, if not better, than I would have myself. But then again, of course you did. Thank you for being so amazing. I love you so much and marvel at all you can accomplish. What can’t you do? xo

Mom & Dad – You too came when I needed you to. Mom you also gave me permission to be overwhelmed. I needed that. It helped me set the tone for my own expectations, and gave me the confidence I needed to tackle handling both girls. You shaped me, and I hope to do as good of a job for our girls. I love you both, see you soon. xo

Nana & Nanu – Not much I can put into words here. I couldn’t do it without you. I will never be able to repay your generosity of time, your selfless willingness to help, and the inherent trust I have knowing the girls are in the best hands. I love you both very much. My gratitude is marrow-deep. xo

Ralph – I found you and now we’ve built a family. You’re the best Dad I know. From late night get ups, to launching your own business teaching others how to swaddle ;), to hair bows in your hair – you’re all in, 100% of the time. Thank you for walking this road with me. I love you  more than anything. It has and always will begin and end with you. xo

Stella & Wren – You’re both everything I ever wanted. When I was little I didn’t dream about my wedding. Watching you both grow alongside of Daddy and I matches the snapshots I’ve carried in my head, of what I hoped would be my future. You + Daddy are what I dreamed of. I love you forever. xo

 

 

#TRUTHday

I want to scream at someone, something, my computer, myself, the construction workers across the street who start banging at 7am… anyone really. But what will that solve? Nada. TOO MUCH BAD NEWS lately.

It’s as if there’s a spotlight over the coterie of people I know, and things. just. keep. happening. What are my escape route options here? I can shut myself off of social media, but I long to be informed (especially while I am out on maternity leave watching the adult world go by). I can pretend it doesn’t matter, which will get me nowhere, as I suffer trying to make sense of things regardless of what I profess. I can and (likely will anyway) give myself a thousand justifications as to why these things are happening; complete with telling myself to ‘just live in the moment, be grateful, slow down, practice gratitude’ blah blah blah… but I’m over it. As the wise have said, “it is both a blessing and a curse to feeling everything so very deeply.”

So back to trying to process the static of death, infertility, heart defects, brain aneurysms, cancer diagnoses, money woes, professional stagnation etc. etc.  I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I want to help everyone. I want to say the perfect thing, bring solace to those who need it, be the funny one who appropriately changes the subject, bring the laughs, wipe the tears, lighten the mood and provide emotional shelter. Did you get all of that? Help me. Help everyone. Whatever you believe in, whomever you call out to for salvation, ask for a reprieve. Things are too heavy lately, so shout it out, send the love, light, prayers and energy filled with hope and positivity to each other and let’s break this cycle.

The truth is bad news, pain, grief and sickness live next door. It’s never an if, it’s a when, and then it’s a how do you process it, and keep moving forward. That’s the fine line. Maybe our current social connectivity has created a false universe where we all believe we are ONLY what we share. We’ve been privy to ‘staged truth’ for too long, and it’s placed us on a fragile pedestal with a cracking foundation. As I’ve said 1000+ times, perception is not reality. Maybe it’s time to get back to the basics, and use our overly connected social space as a resource center, and not simply a show and tell. We can’t help each other if we only know one beautifully staged and photographed side.

Oh, you’re having a hard time in your marriage? Oh, you’re worried your kid is autistic, behind or socially awkward? Oh, you know the ins and outs of metal illness, cancer, eating disorders, fertility treatments and/or fill in the blank? If you speak it, people will come. We all want to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. The ‘fitting in’ clause doesn’t phase out after high school. There’s comfort in knowing someone else out there has been where you’re now standing, and can offer some advice or lend a hand.

I had a miscarriage before Stella and Wren. When I blogged about it, I had an outpouring of support from my own friends and family whom I otherwise would never have known had a similar and shared experience. They said, ‘thanks for talking about it. You gave us a window to tell our story.’ That’s a social win. That’s #TRUTHday personified.

In a social space filled with challenges to dump ice, donate and rally around the less fortunate, I challenge the everyday individual to put the device down, and spend a little more time living rather than creative directing. Store the snapshots in your head. Don’t leave things unsaid IN PERSON to those who matter. Get home and unplug yourself. Sit at dinner and enjoy the conversation sans selfies and food snaps. Don’t be so quick to move on to the next thing. Sit in the moment. Take a deep breath. Realize this time, this snapshot of your life, will never happen again. Own it and absorb how lucky we are to be here.

Vintage anything is better in my opinion. So if we have to call detaching ourselves from the ‘information matrix’ a vintage approach to re-connecting on a cellular, person-to-person level, then so be it. We’re information rich, yet relationship poor. So let’s do something about it. Let’s make #TRUTHday a permanent movement. An anomaly in that it’s a step back to where we used to be, and a step forward to making it the norm again.

Luella Says… new hashtag movement starts now. #TRUTHday.

Let’s lift the veil and share our experiences for what they are. A check and balance if you will, of showing life the way it is; complete with blemishes, stains and frayed edges. Let’s really talk to each other. Be truthful, and know not every day is picture perfect. We might actually surprise ourselves with how big our villages become.

Epilogue.

 

It’s a Tuesday and I’m in a dress and my running shoes. More specifically, I’m un-showered after a 4-mile run, but undressed and redressed to address my need for quick breastfeeding access. (You got all that, there will be a test later.) I’m sitting at my computer trying to eek out an hour of creative flow time while Stella is at her ‘one day a week’ daycare and Wren cries and wiggles out of her swaddle for the 100th time. ‘Why aren’t you napping? You grow when you nap, if you want to start talking and running (because that’s definitely next) shut your eyes and buy your ticket to dreamland. Mama needs 5 minutes. (Actually more in the day to week range but who needs the truth).’ I hate this post even before I write it because it means one of my favorite ladies is no longer strolling the earth, championing Jazzercise and keeping Bartles & Jaymes in business. Shirl you were you, every day, simply put and we were all better people to know you. You also gave birth to one of my favorite people so there’s that too. I love you and hope you know, wherever you are, (I guess you’re everywhere now) that you made a lasting impression.  The sky has officially gained a star. #ShirleyStrong

I can’t say I’ve been privy to a lot of tragedy. I’ve had a steady flow of anti-luck, are you kidding me, yep that just happened, deep disappointments, important people vacating without reason and 2nd places, but in the end it doesn’t come close to the pain of losing someone you love and need desperately to stick around. Sometimes it’s hard to relate to those who are going through it. There is a natural division of those who understand and those who are waiting to. As a Mom, now somehow caught up in FB groups and mom circles that detail every horror known to man, the world seems and is I guess, so much more fragile. The transparency trap of wanting to know, wanting to be prepared has become less attractive than the ‘ignorance is bliss’ ilk that was the standard for so many generations before us who didn’t or couldn’t connect with every single person in the world. (I mean where was secondary drowning and hand foot & mouth disease when we were growing up???) They say after you have kids, you know what’s it’s like to have your heart walk around outside your body, and that is precisely how it feels. I think (and secretly hope) it goes both ways though. As a parent, I hope my girls will forever rely on me as a barometer for direction and advice. Remember me when they’ve done something they shouldn’t, but need help navigating out of. My Mom did that for me and both of Shirl’s girls still need her in their 30’s so that is a parenting victory to be celebrated. (Tangent/sidebar – I hope I gather a couple of those. These terrible twos are seriously terrible. If I have to tell myself to pull it together, she’s 2 one more time…)

As a bona fide fixer, it’s difficult to grasp the finality of death. What do you mean that’s it?! It’s annoyingly selfish. It makes the world feel like a shallow pool we’re all just breast stroking through for 2 minutes. She had so much left to do. She was the life of the party and always a perfect person to drink a glass of something with. Truthfully I’m filled with emotions I can’t articulate. I think of her, I think of my best friend, I think of how much of Shirl is tied into my own childhood, and then I get pissed that life has moved on, and the reality of time has taken hold. How did we already get to the last chapter, we were just in the middle of the storyline a year ago?!

The only thing I can think of to make it a little more palatable, is to live happy. Amidst bs, traffic, bad news, fights, lost friendships, toddlers, financial struggles,  __________ etc. etc. We must all live happy. Some days will be easier than others, but it’s up to all of us to dig in, find it, celebrate it and then rinse and repeat. Shirl did and so maybe the silver lining is the constant reminder that it’s the only way, no excuses. As the ever-wise Rumi said, “Look past your own thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of this moment.” Sure that was the 13th century, but it’s transcendent so get on board.

Luella Says, I pledge to live #100HappyDays,

 

 

Who wants to join me? www.100happydays.com

 

 

Dear Stella,

Dear Stella Viv,

Let’s start this off with saying how proud of you I am. I know that might seem weird, seeing as though you’re not even 2 yet but I am. I love that your kind-hearted, funny and already super inquisitive and that simply you’re ours; a perfect mashup of your Dad and me. As a family, we’re about to embark on a new adventure and I wanted you to know a couple of things before life gets hectic and you potentially feel left out (hopefully just at first) in the beginning.

First of all, YOU are the reason we are having your sister. In truth, it was always on the table, but after realizing with each milestone how amazing it is to watch you blossom and grow, we were all in. You’ve shown us both how to be better people, how to be patient when we feel like screaming, how to adjust our view finder to life through the fresh eyes of a toddler and how to reach a place in our souls we never knew existed until you laughed for the first time, said I love you, sang or wrapped your arms around our necks and squeezed tight. There are a million moments I wish I could freeze frame and hang on a wall to harken back to when you’re older and likely just not that into us anymore (ok likely just Mom, Dad will reign supreme forever I think). I like to say there is no wine/booze buzz, vacation sunset, race finish, money flow or decadent meal that can even scratch the surface of being relatable to life with you. Honesty back on the table, it’s not simple and definitely not always fun, but even whilst gritting my teeth, through tears (ok, lots and lots of tears) and wanting to offer you up for free at the end of our driveway some days (not really but…) I can’t think of one other thing more important to my legacy than raising you to be a kind soul, willing to help others, chasing YOUR dreams wherever they take you and being happy.

I love being your Mom. I can’t imagine what it will be like to add another soul to my heart, as frankly the real estate square footage is covered between you and Daddy but we’re going for it. You will always be my first, my foray into Mommyhood, my whole heart and then some. Don’t ever forget how much you’re loved. It’s free-flowing, growing and never-ending from Mom and Dad and adding your sister will only strengthen our bond and hopefully our 4’s volleyball team years down the road. You are everything and please remember as you get older that being you is the single best asset you have.

I am going to rely on you to help me these next couple of months as we’re both at home with our new addition (too bad you’re not old enough to drink wine but I will make sure your portion is covered). You can’t know what help even means, but I have an inkling you’re going to surprise us and potentially even yourself with how easy the transition of becoming a big sister will be. Frankly, I was a mess when I brought you home. A MESS. More than anything, I am looking forward to re-living the moments I missed getting caught up in the ‘I have zero clue what I am doing’ maelstrom of a first time mom who never babysat or even changed a diaper before. These redux moments include you, every step of the way. As hard as it’s going to be, we’re in this together. All 4 of us. It’s about to get real so buckle up baby girl and let’s get this crazy, terrible, amazing, really?, ####!, beautiful, hysterical party started.

Love, Mom xo

Ps. If nothing else sticks, know we love you. Every inch of you. Forever.

43.0581° N, 88.1147° W

There’s a little town called Brookfield, nestled in the outskirts of Milwaukee and it’s where I am from. I point this out because lately bad news seems to be de rigueur and in trying to navigate past all these sore subjects, I’ve realigned myself to where it all started, to what really matters and to making sure life moving forward walks the right path.

Too often we move along at such a quick pace, we forget to breathe in a couple of steps and enjoy the ‘now’. Everyone is so elbows deep on their phone or stuck in traffic or just tired in general, that reprieves of fresh air along the way get missed. This is not new or earth shattering. I am far from the first blowhard to think it necessary to put it down in ink but each time I’m reminded, it’s usually by way of great joy or cruel reality. Why let it be that way? Lets retrain our brains to slow down and be grateful for those around us, what we have and how we got there.

As we all know, life is unpredictable. Why let ego or assumption force you to carry heavy words left unsaid? Remind others what they mean to you and do it often. After recent news from back home surfaced, I’ve been having a hard time with the adage, that everything happens for a reason. Debatable. Some things suck and are simply meaningless. Unfair, too soon, and tragic feel more applicable.

Everything is too easy now. Communication doesn’t require human interaction. Instant gratification and the ideal that ‘we are what we share’ has completely taken over. I’m starting a movement of remembering that curating the relationships with the people who mean something to you is worth the calories burned. Pick up the phone, send a card, write the email, text, show up… whatever it takes to stay close. Unfortunately time is not for sale, don’t learn the hard way.

Life moves too fast. I blinked and I’m 34 and a mom myself. My precious memories of my childhood spent in Brookfield are in the awkward phase of becoming a long time gone. Forever 16 in my head, the realization has truly sunk in that the world keeps going; regardless of what or who you lose or how badly you wish to go back and do things a bit different. My roots are tied and twisted around so many of you who helped shape me into who I am today. Family, lifelong friends, acquaintances and even those who taught me by example without knowing or meaning to; I tip my cap to you. Thank you for digging in long enough to leave an impression.  Indelibly you’re a part of me. Hope I’ve been able to afford some of you the same.

As Chris Pureka writes,

Life is cruel and it’s clumsy
I wish I could say that it’s better than that
but this is our time
this is all that we have ’til we turn out the lights…

Luella says… honor your coordinates.

With that being the benchmark – here are a couple tenets I am forcibly applying to life moving forward.

• spend time each day not judging anyone or anything. Only allowing kind, decent and positive thoughts to course through. (this includes judging yourself, we’re our own worst critic)
• live one day at a time, hour by hour, moment by moment
• reconnect or re-affirm those relationships who mean the most to you
• compromise more – in the end what do you win if you’re the only one satisfied?
• communicate what others mean to you – go there – even if it’s awkward at least everyone knows where they stand.
• practice appreciation, patience and forgiveness

Please note, this is all hard. Letting go, moving on, staying present, living for today, not judging, being thankful are all beautiful but not always attainable. I get it. This is perfect world scenario and some days it’s just not going to happen. It’s simple to sit behind a computer and wax on about how important this all is but the practice and application is where it gets real. I am hoping by setting the standard (for myself) of getting even half way, some of the time  – I will be successful. We shall see – To be continued…

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90 for 30.

I’m 34 and spend so much of my time feeling tired and stressed. Anyone else feel that way? I know so much more than I did in my 20’s – oh to go back and handle certain situations differently but ultimately I live looking forward and respect the aging process as a well oiled machine.

Holding Stella last night, sitting in her dark nursery listening to her descend into sleep, I had the epiphany that this is truly what it’s all about. (for me anyway) Fast forward 30 years and (hopefully) Ralph and I will watch a couple pass by with their stroller and new baby and I will reflect to last night and the deepest sense of purpose I ever felt and wish I could go back to ‘now.’ Those moments are everywhere and differ from person to person but they’re magical and worth reliving.

Life is best spent being happy with who you are and not getting wrapped up in who you think you should be. I’ve been spending too much time caught up in the doesn’t matter. Calories burned on mundane details I am too embarrassed to admit. You ever get the feeling like you don’t want to hang out with yourself because of the ridiculous nature of where your brains at? Yep, me too – which is why I’m writing and sharing this to keep myself accountable.

On May 1st, 2013 I am committing myself to 30 days in a row of BIKRAM YOGA. Each morning before work at 5:30 am I’m going to drag myself to the 114° studio down the street to spend 90 minutes relinquishing the mental and physical baggage I’ve acquired since having Stella. It will be my time to reflect, balance and get centered. A cleanse of self on my way to living a less cluttered life and hopefully baby #2. I’ve run half marathons, given birth and battled the newborn blues but this adventure is going to rattle me. I feel prepared going in knowing by day 11 I will be struggling to keep it up. I’ve enlisted Ralph to support me but hope when you roll over and stare at your clock reading 5:00am, you think of me and send a thumbs up my way.

I look forward to the endorphins, being a part of the stillness of early, early morning, eliminating the static and getting my old body back. Reset button is in my hand, I’m pushing it tomorrow – wish me luck. (gulp)

 

 

Mom Finds

TOP.   CUBE.   BRICKYARD BUFFALO.   PANTS.   SLEEPER.   BUNNY.

I am keeping this one short and sweet. Here are some great new finds Stella digs and so do Ralph and I. You know in case you were looking for more stuff to collect. (ha ha)

ETOILE t from Zara.com It’s adorable and super inexpensive – who knew ZARA baby would be so amazing? Plus they ship for FREE!

B ZANY ZOO cube from Target – She LOVES this. It has been such a great piece to hold her attention for more than 4 seconds. Lots to play with and it will continue to remain relevant the older she gets.

BRICKYARD BUFFALO – a fantastic new website curated with discounted wares for baby, mom, dad and your home. Super indie, super dope.

BOW pants from Zara.com Super inexpensive, super cute!

SLEEPER PJ’S from Leveret – why don’t all pj’s have zippers said every parent in the history of the world. Soft and the fabric stays after multiple washes.

BONNE NUIT bunny by Jelly Cat – This is Stella’s ultimate favorite toy. She got so excited she launched it out of her stroller never to be seen again and so we’re on bunny 2.0. It’s super soft, washable and the perfect size for her to carry around.

Happy Monday xx

 

 

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Dear Laura.

*** I wrote this 4 months ago and never posted. Hmm…must’ve been busy. Anyway I think it’s still pretty true – so here you go.

I so appreciate all the lovely feedback I received from my last blog post. I’ve even read and referenced it myself a couple of times since I posted it. Anyway lately I’ve been feeling a bit lost, personally that is, with what my new status means. As I mentioned in GRAY, the feeling of Who am I? What have I become? still lingers a bit at 3.5 months in. I’ve gone back to work and feel torn between the adult interaction I so desperately need and the idea of being there for every moment of Stella’s formative years. I don’t want her to prefer anyone else to me but need a break. I feel inspired at work but cry each morning when I leave. Life has become one big dichotomy.

In addition to that, Ralph and I were super social. We live in a Peter Pan-esque community that truly lives by the credo you’re only as old as you think you are; which is fantastic when you have no responsibilities but a bit difficult when you move to Baby-ville. Is it me or does everyone appear to be on their way to a party we didn’t get invited to?? The social transition from pre-baby to baby is shocking. Let’s talk truths here. You don’t know until you know and when you do, a small part of you wants to hide under the bed until your child becomes a little less thankless. Is it blow hardy to discuss this? Is it pointless to want to understand the transition? As the days post partum turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months, the other side; (AKA your former life) seems a distant memory as the “new normal” settles in and starts to feel comfortable. How do you socialize with a baby? How do you go out to dinner? Have people over? Travel? Exercise? or do anything that bears a small semblance to life before. Truth is you manage and figure it out as you go. What’s the worst that can happen? Really ask yourself that and mean it. The answer is nothing. If she cries, she’s being a baby and people understand.

Now that I loosely have a small footing on this motherhood adventure, I keep thinking to myself, what would you say to you, if you could go back for a day before Stella came?

Luella Says… remember how lucky you are.

Dear Laura,

When you look in the mirror you’re not going to love what you see. You just had a baby and major surgery, the scar will be there forever but the excess weight and bloat will not. Breastfeeding burns 800 calories but don’t give yourself a license to eat whatever you want. Stay focused on your green & clean living tenets and exercise as much as you can. You gave up your gym membership for the time being and running with her in the stroller, walking up hills, sit ups, even bouncing her will give you a little bit back.

You’re going to feel bored sometimes, feel as if you’re clock watching to get to the time Ralph comes home or help arrives; it’s ok and totally normal. To be fair, you’ll also relish in the moments with her that are small but intensely perfect. Like when she finally falls asleep on your shoulder after many attempts to get her to stop crying or at night, (yes 2,3,4,5 am) when she’s finished nursing; the house is dark and quiet and all the people who matter most are off in dreamland and you get to take a moment to be grateful. It really does get better and easier every day and you’ll surprise yourself with how natural it comes to you and the want to be good at it more than anything else.

People will show how important they are to you. Meaning – wait to put anyone on a VIP list until they’ve helped/been there/proven they want to be. You’re going to be alone a bit more often but it’s ok and temporary. Your marriage will shift a bit as the focus becomes solely on your new creation but you’ll adapt and steal moments together more often as time goes on. You will become a Stella pro fairly soon and eventually regain a small part of who you used to be. Best part is, that coupled with MOM is a pretty fierce combination. Cue the Star Spangled Banner as it plays at your medal ceremony for winning the gold in multi-tasking.

In closing, be excited. It’s the hardest, most amazing, hysterical, crazy, lovely, scary and profound experience you will ever have. You have been gifted with this little being, so head up, stay the course and know you’re going to choose wrong sometimes. Carpe Diem – seize EVERY day.

Love, me.

Related articles

• Advice for New Moms – Don’t worry, I was scared of my baby, too (babble.com)
• Breastfeeding Wasn’t So Important to Me – … until I had to pump exclusively (babble.com)

Gray.

Having a baby changed my life. (bet you never heard those words uttered before.) The irony is it’s totally true. I hate clichés in prose and in life and although there are different interpretations and some experiences are easier than others; the baseline remains constant. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do…period. Every inch, every second spent since June 9th has changed me into a different human being. The world’s brighter, experiences feel richer, emotions run deeper (if that’s even possible for me) and I’ve made it out of the fray and lived to tell this tale to you.

The first couple weeks were so difficult, it’s almost hard to discuss. It sucked in short and even though I love Stella more than I could ever imagine possible, I felt so unprepared and unqualified. I kept looking for a time out button somewhere to just take a 2 minute break but alas this person I worked so hard to get was here, my number was called and I was out on the field indefinitely. Overwhelming simply doesn’t cover it. I felt blue, exhausted, awkward, ugly and not able to live in the moment. Who was I, what had I become? I kept thinking “but the books and the people I talked to used words like amazing, blissful, simple and easy when it’s yours.” My expectations were so far off it’s not even worth detailing. Each day felt like a year and the nagging feeling of failure was a constant companion. I had met my match, motherhood was here and I wasn’t sure it was for me. But then I woke up one day around 3 – 4 weeks in and felt better; albeit the leap was small and low to the ground but it was progress. Miraculously the proverbial light appeared. She cried less that day, small victories were attained and dare I say, I began to get the hang of it.

Which brings me to my long-winded point. Life can be spent living in the notion of black and white, good or bad, 1 or 100 but there is a middle; a gray area if you will, that exists and boasts good weather and yummy cocktails. As of late, I am allowing myself to visit this area more often. To be a constant work in progress, to not have all the answers, the control, the perfection is not only ok, it’s necessary. Up to this point, I always told myself, don’t let anything you do define you. Keep reaching, never settle, always give 500%, think out of the box, practice first in, last out and follow your shot. Now I’ve embarked on something I want to be known for. A great wife and a “show and tell” worthy Mom. The highs and lows are higher and darker than anticipated but the every day is pretty damn amazing. Yep I went there. The word that eluded me for so long in my new world of mommy-hood has landed and been assigned. I get to mold this little human and teach her what I can, while she still wants to listen to me. My husband and I get to watch a mash-up of ourselves navigate the world hopefully with my rhythm and his charisma.

I felt compelled to write this down because in my obsessive googling whilst still pregnant and in the first couple days post partum, if I had stumbled upon this little blog and known there really was someone out there feeling just as I did, potentially the light would’ve appeared sooner. I would’ve been able to handle how awful I was feeling knowing it was fleeting and concretely things were going to get easier. Women lie to each other, everyone puts their best foot forward and perception is hardly often reality. Consider me the attendant behind the customer service desk at Mommy World, telling you I know how you feel and can whole heartedly promise it gets easier and better each day. (keep repeating that to yourself at 2am when they still won’t sleep or stop crying for that matter) I worried about the difference between “baby blues” and post partum depression and desperately hoped this too would pass. If you can get out of bed and don’t feel like harming yourself or your child, most likely it’s the former. Be diligent about chatting with your OB about it regardless but eventually it leaves the building. It did for me and now I can share some pearls I gathered with you.

First Month Musts:

1. Wake up and shower if even for 2 minutes. Bring your baby in the bathroom if you have to but SHOWER to start your day.

2. Get a calendar and cross off each day at the end of it with a big X. For some reason it helps build confidence knowing one more day is in the books, accomplished and done.

3. Watch HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK, the 5 s’s are your friend.

4. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help BUT also spend enough time doing it yourself. If you farm everything out, your only prolonging the rookie period.

5. Have no expectations for anything, your birth plan, your baby, yourself, your partner or your family and friends. People will let you down and you might let yourself down as well. Set the bar on the lowest rung.

6. Know your bump will go down eventually. I’m at 3 months and it’s still around. Each week it gets better.

7. Talk to your spouse, boyfriend, partner or friend about how you’re feeling and be brutally honest. Also chat with your baby about it. I told Stella many times, Mommy is feeling rough today but know I love you and we’ll get through this together.

8. Try to ease back into your old social routine as early as possible. Take them on walks and meet up with friends. Even if it’s for 5 minutes, you have to start somewhere.

9. Go on food adventures. Ralph and I would put Stella in the car and she would scream cry until she fell asleep and we’d go to different food institutions around Los Angeles. We always got it to go and brought it back home to eat but just the excitement of semi doing something social felt like the best, booze filled dinner party ever.

10. Go on multiple walks a day. Even if you make it around the block it’s a victory.

11. Colic is bs, it’s likely acid reflux. Check the infant GERD checklist and if your baby has a lot of the symptoms ask for a prescription of compound PREVACID. It worked wonders for us. I hate medicine and we waited 2 months to give it to her but she was in pain.

12. Stock up on BIO GAIA probiotic drops at Walgreens. They’re expensive but they work so well on their tummies for gas and overall discomfort.

13. You will not feel like this for 18 years. New problems arise just when you figure out answers to the former but nonetheless you’re better, smarter and faster than you were yesterday.

14. Know your baby is going to scream, wail, cry and turn purple. Don’t think this means you have to stay in your house. Get out, it also always seem louder to the parents.

15. Try to keep it light. Babies work off your energy, try not to get too worked up. (self grade: F for me on this point)

16. Burp them like a heartbeat. Pat pat, Pat pat, Pat pat. It works.

17. Set up stations around your house and use those every day to entertain or placate your baby. Do them in different rooms if possible. Station suggestions: Activity Mat, Swing, Mirror, Crib, Mat/blanket on the floor, Pack n Play, Bouncer, Your lap, Lounger, Changing Table cushion.

18. The uglier the better when it comes to mobiles or hanging toys. This one is hard for my design aesthetic but it’s true so embrace it.

19. If you’re breastfeeding start pumping and storing milk right away. I didn’t and playing catch up when they’re eating more is difficult. Use the rule of 2’s. 2 hours at room temp, 2 days in the fridge, 2 months in the freezer.

20. Know it’s normal for your baby to: cough, sneeze (multiple times), grunt, growl, choke while eating, snore, make weird noises in their sleep, drool, chew on their hand and feet, cry when you change or dress them, have crossed eyes.

21. Babies have a crying language and it actually is pretty true for Stella. Neh means I am hungry, Oww means I am tired, Eh Eh means I have a burp, Eairr means gas.

22.Sing, talk and read to them as if they completely understand from the first day you bring them home. Get real close to their face while you’re doing it so they can see your expressions.

23. If you’re exclusively breastfeeding, introduce a bottle by 4 weeks. One a day filled with pumped milk is a great way to get them acquainted, allow your husband or someone else to bond through feeding and if you don’t they won’t take one when or if you go back to work.

24. Cry when they cry, sleep when they sleep, laugh when they laugh.

25. Buy the BREST FRIEND and wear it to feed at night. It serves as a shelf and lord knows that helps when you can barely keep your eyes open.

I would love to connect with any of you soon-to-be or new moms. I told myself I would never be a stroller strider or go to parties and only talk about my kids but I get it now. I am one of you, we are all in this together.

This is not a black and white world

To be alive I say that the colours must swirl

And I believe that maybe today

We will all get to appreciate The Beauty of Gray 

LIVE – The Beauty of Gray