Tag Archives: miscarriage

#TRUTHday

8 Sep

victoriaerickson

I want to scream at someone, something, my computer, myself, the construction workers across the street who start banging at 7am… anyone really. But what will that solve? Nada. TOO MUCH BAD NEWS lately.

It’s as if there’s a spotlight over the coterie of people I know, and things. just. keephappening. What are my escape route options here? I can shut myself off of social media, but I long to be informed (especially while I am out on maternity leave watching the adult world go by). I can pretend it doesn’t matter, which will get me nowhere, as I suffer trying to make sense of things regardless of what I profess. I can and (likely will anyway) give myself a thousand justifications as to why these things are happening; complete with telling myself to ‘just live in the moment, be grateful, slow down, practice gratitude’ blah blah blah… but I’m over it. As the wise have said, “it is both a blessing and a curse to feeling everything so very deeply.”

So back to trying to process the static of death, infertility, heart defects, brain aneurysms, cancer diagnoses, money woes, professional stagnation etc. etc.  I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I want to help everyone. I want to say the perfect thing, bring solace to those who need it, be the funny one who appropriately changes the subject, bring the laughs, wipe the tears, lighten the mood and provide emotional shelter. Did you get all of that? Help me. Help everyone. Whatever you believe in, whomever you call out to for salvation, ask for a reprieve. Things are too heavy lately, so shout it out, send the love, light, prayers and energy filled with hope and positivity to each other and let’s break this cycle.

The truth is bad news, pain, grief and sickness live next door. It’s never an if, it’s a when, and then it’s a how do you process it, and keep moving forward. That’s the fine line. Maybe our current social connectivity has created a false universe where we all believe we are ONLY what we share. We’ve been privy to ‘staged truth’ for too long, and it’s placed us on a fragile pedestal with a cracking foundation. As I’ve said 1000+ times, perception is not reality. Maybe it’s time to get back to the basics, and use our overly connected social space as a resource center, and not simply a show and tell. We can’t help each other if we only know one beautifully staged and photographed side.

Oh, you’re having a hard time in your marriage? Oh, you’re worried your kid is autistic, behind or socially awkward? Oh, you know the ins and outs of metal illness, cancer, eating disorders, fertility treatments and/or fill in the blank? If you speak it, people will come. We all want to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. The ‘fitting in’ clause doesn’t phase out after high school. There’s comfort in knowing someone else out there has been where you’re now standing, and can offer some advice or lend a hand.

I had a miscarriage before Stella and Wren. When I blogged about it, I had an outpouring of support from my own friends and family whom I otherwise would never have known had a similar and shared experience. They said, ‘thanks for talking about it. You gave us a window to tell our story.’ That’s a social win. That’s #TRUTHday personified.

In a social space filled with challenges to dump ice, donate and rally around the less fortunate, I challenge the everyday individual to put the device down, and spend a little more time living rather than creative directing. Store the snapshots in your head. Don’t leave things unsaid IN PERSON to those who matter. Get home and unplug yourself. Sit at dinner and enjoy the conversation sans selfies and food snaps. Don’t be so quick to move on to the next thing. Sit in the moment. Take a deep breath. Realize this time, this snapshot of your life, will never happen again. Own it and absorb how lucky we are to be here.

Vintage anything is better in my opinion. So if we have to call detaching ourselves from the ‘information matrix’ a vintage approach to re-connecting on a cellular, person-to-person level, then so be it. We’re information rich, yet relationship poor. So let’s do something about it. Let’s make #TRUTHday a permanent movement. An anomaly in that it’s a step back to where we used to be, and a step forward to making it the norm again.

Luella Says… new hashtag movement starts now. #TRUTHday.

truthdayLet’s lift the veil and share our experiences for what they are. A check and balance if you will, of showing life the way it is; complete with blemishes, stains and frayed edges. Let’s really talk to each other. Be truthful, and know not every day is picture perfect. We might actually surprise ourselves with how big our villages become.

anniestruth

socialcaption

Advertisements

And so it Begins.

13 May

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I had the intention to start again a million times but alas life happened and time got away from me. Now here I sit, 9 months pregnant and on the precipice of the biggest event of my life and I finally have time. How hysterical is that? Such is life right?

Anyway, where did we stop, where do we start again? The premise will stay the same, fashion, life, art, music, food, beauty, design; essentially anything and hopefully as much as possible. For this post though, I am going personal, so proverbially strap in.

I am not re-inventing the wheel chatting about pregnancy; there are a million mommy blogs that do such an amazing job at preparing, teaching, explaining and offering much-needed advice, so I won’t step in that arena. I will speak plainly at the highs and lows of our experience and hope if you’re one of the many who are contemplating, trying, succeeding, failing or landing somewhere in between this will speak to you.

Rewind the clock to last April when Ralph and I found ourselves pregnant for the “first time.” It was an overwhelming experience that unfortunately was short-lived. I can remember the moment of going into the first ultrasound only to discover there was no fetal pole development which meant blighted ovum, which meant miscarriage. An intense feeling came over me and my only mission at that point was to focus on not crying in front of the Dr. I am not sure why, for those that know me it may come as a shock, but I kept it together. In thinking about it afterward, it was the one thing I could control and it became my mission. Going through the process of our miscarriage was extremely humbling for me. This wasn’t merit based, it wasn’t something you could buy, talk your way in or out of, dazzle or charm into working; it was science and simply put, it failed. We were officially a statistic and that for lack of a better word, sucked.

I felt shame, failure and embarrassment. It was hard to relate to others when I kept fixating on why me? why us? It’s funny because no one talks about it. When I felt comfortable enough to share it with a few people I was amazed to learn just how many had similar experiences and I found solace in knowing we weren’t alone. In truth, I think when it comes to this subject, we could all use a dose of open book syndrome. Yes its intensely personal but strength lies in numbers and having a community to work through the dark times, makes the reality a little bit easier to get comfortable with. (ok, I will speak for myself)

After feeling sorry for myself for a couple of weeks or so and after much-needed tough love from two of my best friends; I made the decision to control what I could and launched into a “my body is a wonderland” state of mind. (thanks John) I laugh sometimes when I explain my story to people because I feel like I cheated. I did everything in my power to create a pristine environment for our hopeful baby to flourish in. Here was my routine:

  1. I gave up coffee. Straight – cold turkey and started (begrudgingly) drinking Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, which was said to be used in folk remedies as an elixir used to strengthen the uterus. (who knew?)
  2. I began getting weekly acupuncture from an amazing Dr. who specializes in Women’s reproductive health.
  3. Ralph and I began juicing every morning. Spinach, Kale, Celery, Cucumbers, Ginger root and Green Apples.
  4. Ralph and I both took Fertilica Ultra Greens powder in a glass of water each morning.
  5. I took Fertile Garden herb supplements given to me by my acupuncturist.
  6. Ralph and I both committed to 3 days a week of intense Bikram yoga and at least one other day of cardio at our gym.
  7. I drank wine, enjoyed evenings out, tried to be carefree and live in the moment and not obsess. This proved to be the toughest challenge of all of them.

They say in Chinese medicine it takes three months after an “event or tragedy” to be back to normal again. We had our procedure last June 9th and three months later we were pregnant again. It felt different this time. I told Ralph when I first found out, (at 4 weeks) that this was our baby, I could feel it. The first trimester went by so slowly, each day felt like a year. I was so panicked something was wrong and I’m embarrassed to admit the lengths I went to, to assure myself things were ok. If hackers checked my google history, I might run away and not come back. It was beyond, even for me. Again the concept of control, deep-rooted inside of me, kept rearing its head and I did my best to chill out and enjoy the process. Self Grade D+.

Then I hit 12 weeks, 3 months and a light appeared. I outwitted, outlasted and outplayed myself and for the first time confidence appeared. Since then, each milestone has been marked with a mixture of trepidation, excitement, panic, wonderment and gratitude. Being pregnant is a very “present” experience; it’s a waiting game with emotions, hormones, body changes and relinquishment of self and ego. It’s scary and amazing all rolled into one. Ralph and I don’t know what to expect, we just know, we don’t know and to be ok with the expectation that anything can happen and most likely will. It is what you make it.

If you’re reading this and are having difficulty, please steal some of the ideas listed above. We’ll never know for sure but at the end of the day, I knew I was doing everything in my power to help my chances. My lucky number is 9, it has been since I was in grade school and it was my friend Josh’s soccer number. Ironically he introduced Ralph and I and even more strange, our new baby girl is due this June 9th. What a difference a year makes.

Luella says… Without wine – Design.

Stella Vivienne’s Nursery

I am not nor have I ever been a major baby person. When it came time to register, I was completely overwhelmed. (yes, tears were shed more than once) If you would like a copy of my must own lists just let me know. Another great resource is this list from Joy of Oh Joy & Oh Baby.

If you’re pregnant or just had a baby, I would love to connect with you. As I said, everything is better in numbers.

Design Credits:

Crib by Wayfair . Mattress by Serta . Paint Colors: Mustard – Solar Fusion by BEHR  Gray – Cathedral Gray by BEHR  Cream – Splendor by BEHR

Photos over crib: 3 Fashion sketches reprints by Sandra Suy . Floral by Amber Alexander . 9 – DIY . French Chic – reprint from Harper’s Bazaar Russia March 2010

Kraft paper flowers, Tissue paper flowers & Cardstock paper fans – DIY

Curio bookcase – Craigslist DIY . Changing dresser – thrifted DIY

Tissue garland by Everly Lane Design . Pear print by Fine Little Day Shop of Sweden . Vintage baby dress by Kasi Found This . Dried Craspedia flowers by Maison de la Croix

Swan & Floral prints by Leah Duncan . Vintage Great Gatsby cover – reprint . Velveteen Rabbit end papers 1922 – reprint

Vintage daybed – Craigslist DIY . STELLA vintage marquee letters by Junkie Trunk

Vintage nightstand – in the family DIY . Vintage mirror – thrifted DIY . Ginger jar lamp & shade from ccaappp

Chandelier – DIY . Rug by Wayfair . Vintage rocking chair – in the family DIY

Invictus print by Eva Juliet . Stella is an actual photo taken of a storefront on a street in Warsaw, Poland by Mio . Moon & Back – reprint.

Eiffel Tower & Chapel birdcage – thrifted DIY . Vintage dresser – in the family DIY.

%d bloggers like this: